June 18, 2016

This week: Dads: The Comprehensive Study, Random Thoughts, XM Hits of the Month: Triple Edition, and more

Dads Rock - This one goes out to all the Dads out there, young and old, past and present; the ones still in the trenches of diapers and bottle washing, the ones swimming upstream in Potty Training River, the ones who get eyeroll "I love yous" at dinnertime, and the ones welcoming another driver to the insurance.  Also, a big shoutout to the retired Dads who are basking in the glow of a job well done and watching their kids graduate med school or buy their first home and start their own little family; the ones who soften their tough-as-nails, not-in-my-house exterior for the cutest grandkids they've ever held and the ones who dance with 6 year old flower girls standing on their feet.  A tip of the cap and gentle head nod to the Dads who aren't here to enjoy their efforts of 80-hour work weeks and short naps on the couch between extra jobs.  The ones who took their one weekend off a month to enrich the lives of dozens of kids through Boy Scouts and basketball camp and band competitions and orchestra concerts.  The ones who chaperoned 2nd-grade field trips to petting zoos and 7th-grade orchestra trips to Panama City.  The ones who never got to see their grandkids just one last time or answer all those questions that come from adult children seeking guidance or reassurance.  We give a moment of pause to say thanks to all Dads past, present, and future for a job well done and a prayer of patience for the jobs yet to come.  

Because being a Dad never stops, your responsibilities just change.  You read bedtime stories and wash gum out of hair.  You build bikes and scooters and dressers and dollhouses.  You buy old cars and teach new drivers.  You pack up Uhaul trucks and pat new adults on the back and send them off to a world you aren't 100% sure they're prepared for.  You walk down aisles and sit confidently in the front pew knowing your special little person is ready to share their life with another.  And sometimes you have to say goodbye a little sooner than you planned....forever.  

Parenthood is a fickle beast like that.  You're thrust into a responsibility greater than you've ever imagined and once your head stops spinning you get your bearings and realize that "I've got this"; until you realize you don't, you're just holding on till the tides of change pull you in a different direction.  You do the best you can every day because those little people are counting on you and you owe them at least your best effort every day.  You find patience you never knew you had; you find silly voices you've never heard before; you discover you make the perfect cheeseburger for your very own perfect little guy.  You eventually find your footing and realize its not so hard after all.  You acquire traits and skills that makes things come a little easier every day.  You rely on your partner for guidance and support.  And you realize that being a Dad is pretty awesome.

For all my Dads out there, I want to say good job and Happy Father's Day.  You inspire me to do better and be better.  You teach me new ways to do old tricks.  You support me through tough times and laugh with me at crazy times.  Its truly a blessing to be a Dad and we have a great responsibility on our shoulders.  I encourage you to offer each other support and know you'll need a pat on the back or words of encouragement someday, too.  A sincere and heartfelt Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads.  To everyone else, hug a Dad this week.  He'll likely need it and not ever know/admit that he did :)

Trivia Questions - I'm scrapping the invisible ink method this time.  The answers can be found just after the Parenting Quote.  Scroll with care :)

1. Movies - What was the name of Napoleon Dynamite's llama?
2. Sports - By what legendary nickname were Elmer Layden, Jim Crowley, Don Miller, and Harry Studleherer known?
3. Television - What make and model of car was blown up when Sonny Crockett was undercover on Miami Vice?
4. Music - Through 1972, who was the lead singer of the Motown group The Miracles?
5. Geography - What island group is a continuation of the Andes Mountain range?

Random Thoughts

• Now that I've got two kids and feel like an old pro (he said laughingly), if I had twins on the next go-round the old, trusty uterus I'd name them "Been There" and "Done That"
• And if you think those are crazy, let me tell you some of the wilder names E1 stumbled across this week from some OB friends:
• The Mann Twins - Donwanna & Doneeda
• Twin boys named Malea & Maleb since "Male A" and "Male B" were written by the nurses on their anklets
• Copatra since her Dad didn't know how to spell Cleopatra
• Sssst pronounced Forest
• Jkmno pronounced Noel since there's no L
• Sha' pronounced "Shuh-comma" since they didn't know the difference between a comma and an apostrophe
• La'Dynasty which without the apostrophe looks like Lady Nasty

XM Hits of the Month: Triple Edition

• Superman's Dead by Our Lady of Peace
• The Symphony by Marley Marl
• The Rose by Bette Midler (made extra famous by my man Napoleon Dynamite)
• Budapest by George Ezra
• Break Ya Neck by Busta Rhymes
• Black Betty by Ram Jam
• Sexy Can I by Ray J (never thought Ray J would make the cut, but this jam makes me move my groove)
• Stars by Hum (vintage c/o '97 era)
• Faded by Soul Decision (the most forgotten boy-ish band in history followed closely by Len)
• First to Cry by Bob Moses
• Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean
• Fu-Gee-La by The Fugees
• Shake Rattle and Roll by Bill Haley and His Comets
• Air Force Ones by Nelly

Parenting Quote of the Month - "I left my lighter in the stroller." - overheard at a local amusement park.  I later saw the couple seated in the designated smoking area with their 8-month old on the Mom's lap as both parents puffed away.

Trivia Answers

1. Movies - Napoleon's llama was named Tina
2. Sports - Layden, Miller, Crowley, and Studleherer were Knute Rockne's senior backfield in 1924 and were nicknamed The Four Horsemen
3. Television - Sonny's cherished Ferrari Daytona Spyder gets blown up by a rocket launcher (if memory serves correctly)
4. Music - Smokey Robinson was the lead singer of The Miracles until 1972
5. Geography - The Falkland Islands are an extension of The Andes off the southern tip of South America 

February 27, 2016

This week: UFC shakeup, Braves pickup, Parenting Storytime, and more...

You dropped a bomb on me - The UFC dropped a bombshell on Monday when it announced that Lightweight Champ Rafael Dos Anjos was forced to withdraw from the upcoming PPV fight versus Featherweight Champ Conor McGregor.  And the media was abuzz all week as the UFC scrambled to find a worthy opponent to face McGregor on 13 days notice.  We came fleetingly close to the unintended rematch between McGregor and the former champ he decimated in 13 seconds Jose Aldo.  Aldo passed on the chance to fight on short notice.  As did Frankie Edgar who expressed all sorts of sour grapes at the UFC for what appeared to me as very skewed logic.  Nate Diaz accepted the offer to step in and face The Notorious One because he has virtually nothing to lose and a small teaspoon to gain if somehow he manages to best the current baddest man on the planet (this title meanders around Earth constantly like World Famous Clam Chowder or Cutest Cat Vid).  The real draw to this fight for me isn't Diaz or whichever second-class citizen fighter they threw enough money at to fight on short notice, its watching McGregor fight at 170 lbs.  According the latest SI article on The Fighting Irishman, he walks around at 170 and has to cut a ton of weight to get to his division weight of 145.  Will the extra weight translate to more power or slower punches?  I'll pay $60 to find out.  $10 to get in the door.  Who's in?  Elias Cepeda from FOXSports.com did a thorough McGregor-Diaz matchup analysis.  

Baby Braves keep wandering back home - 2005 in Atlanta marked a special time in modern Braves history when rookies Brian McCann, Kelly Johnson, Kyle Davies, Ryan Langerhans, and my personal man-crush Jeff Francoeur debuted at Turner Field.  There was such profound optimism that season that the torch was being passed to the next wave of prospects ready to continue the Schuerholz legacy in Braves Country.  Alas, it was never meant to be.  That team was fun to watch (mostly), but none of those guys really ascended to remarkable heights (save McCann, but his tools translated more to a complementary stud rather than franchise savior).  Well, this week Schuerholz & Co. welcomed back one of those guys on a minor-league deal.  Jeff Francoeur will attempt to claim a reserve outfielder/late-inning pinch-hitter role with the team that nurtured his early career.  I'm truly rooting for him to finish up his career with 4-5 mid-quality seasons where it all started.  Nothing outrageous, just a nice, productive stretch as a utility OF that makes the occasional spot start.  Of course, I rooted for Dan Uggla and look where that got me.  ASIDE: I had a Field Pass one time down at Spring Training and was armed with my Canon DSLR snapping pics of anything and everything.  Several players worked the crowd from right to left signing autographs.  I'm not an autograph guy; I prefer to capture the moments on (digital) film.  Dan Uggla was on autopilot signing fan after fan and was headed my way.  I had no pen, no paper, just my camera.  He gets to me (we're essentially peers since there's no more than 15 mos separating us) and I'm like "uhhh" and he gives me this empty-handed frozen stare, so I just decide to wish him "Good luck this season" and shook his hand.  He seemed really thrown off by that.  It was my brush with not-so-greatness.  


Random Thoughts 

• My phone was down to less than 10% battery with over an hour to go before school pickup and a sleeping baby in the backseat.  In conservation mode, I started scrounging around the van for something to read like I was a Neanderthal in the Stone Age.  I found an old Sports Illustrated I'd already read and this month's Soma catalog.......after several minutes of internal debate, I determined that this season's Embraceable Bra & Pantie Collection has some very tasteful color combinations.  Any port in the storm, I guess.  I followed that up with the Everything Koalas book from Chick Fil A.  I felt like Johnny Five stuck in a glove box.  
• My wife described my new favorite bread as "flaccid".  Ironically, its much harder to put in my mouth now.  

Parenting Storytime - I'm a hoodie guy.  Not sure when it really started, but I love hoodies.  They're so comfy and versatile with their big front pocket and ear-protecting hood.  If I could get a new hoodie every Christmas for the rest of my life I'd be one happy hood-ligan....(not my best work, but I'm going with it).  I recently got a new Braves Spring Training Edition blue hoodie.  I was wearing it Thursday night to dinner with the fam.  Typical family dinner at a sandwich shop with Cranky and Fussy, the forgotten dwarfs.  Fussy the Baby was missing her solids that Dad forgot to pack in the diaper bag.  We found some applesauce squeezies and decided "yeah, she'll be ok with Applesauce Mango".  Two squeezies down the gullet and a less fussy, albeit still sleepy, baby in-hand.  We're packing up our things, doing the standard exit strategizing, and I'm holding not-so-Fussy when I see it.  That look everyone knows ends with snotty noses, gagged reflexes, and acidic sandpaper aftertaste.  I darted through the exit like I just snatched a bunch of diamond necklaces off the counter.  And here it came, the continual lava flow of orange mango applesauce mixed with baby bile.  I embraced her for the first wave and got more than a smidgen on my hoodie.  I then attempted to hold her away from me over the vacant parking space but she wasn't having that.  She held my sweatshirt like I was three weeks late on the money I owed her and I just cradled her into my shoulder and let it all ooze down my sleeve and chest.  Cranky the Fastidious Toddler came out in time for wave #3 and quickly retreated back to the tidy safety of Mommy with a hilarious-even-at-the-time disgusted, mouth agape look on his face.  It drenched my hoodie and soaked through my T-shirt.  I changed into one of my recently dry-cleaned button downs hanging in the back of the van and was good-to-go.  In a show of Parenting Solidarity, a random guy (I presume a Dad) walked by while I was peeling off the vomit-soaked massacre and was like "what's up, man" and gave me the head nod approval of "been there dude".  It took two washes but my hoodie game is still going strong. 

February 13, 2016

This week: Super Bowl recap, lots of Random Thoughts, Parenting Storytime and more...

I pulled a muscle... - ...patting myself on the back with my incredibly accurate Super Bowl prediction.  Denver's defense played like the No. 1 unit in football and got after Cam (more on him in a minute) all night and Peyton Manning was able to walk off 2-2 in Super Bowls and likely into a Budweiser-sponsored sunset.  The game itself wasn't pretty or spectacular or classic in any way, but it was nice to see the Panthers fall apart at the absolute worst time of the season (says a perpetually-bummed Falcons fan).  

Newton haters (no question marks this time) - If Cam Newton was the victim of an unfounded media crucifixion BEFORE the game, he was certainly the target of some well-reasoned public disappointment and vitriol AFTER the game.  The talking heads and pundits talked this issue to death this week, so I'll leave it alone...for the most part.  My favorite piece of commentary came from Seattle Seahawk Frank Clark who tweeted a video reacting to Cam's complete bailout job on the lost fumble late in the fourth quarter that pretty much sealed the Bronco win:  "That boy's a BITCH!!".  Matter of fact, direct, to-the-point....I like it.  He also added a slightly more eloquent assessment of Cam's diva-like, me-first, parasol-carrying debutante manner of playing: "[In] crunch time he want grapes, I'm eatin' mud".  It didn't help that Cam freely admitted that he purposefully and willfully avoided injury on his "attempt" at recovering that fumble.  If he never makes it back to the Super Bowl, that will be the lasting image of his career archive.  

Random Thoughts 

• The Super Bowl commercials were good (The Date, Alexa, The Ultrasound) and bad (PuppyMonkeyBaby), but the random commercial about "urgent diarrhea" really had me pondering.  Isn't "urgent diarrhea" a bit redundant?  I can't recall a time where diarrhea wasn't urgent and a top priority
• H1 was watching The Little Engine that Could the other day, and Emily unwittingly and hilariously called it The Truck that Can which I joked was the Canadian version.  I also came up with The Moped that Might.  Got any others?
• Watch Judge Judy for a week and you'll think twice about renting (as tenant OR landlord), loaning money to family or friends, or owning a dog. 
• 60 Minutes Sports on Showtime did a piece on Daily Fantasy Sports this week.  They profiled one of the normal heavy hitters in that world and he said that he spends about $1 million a month on thousands of contests.  Meanwhile, I'm still stinging from the $90 I've lost since August.  I was definitely enlightened at how much of a mope I am for being the bait to the big fish of DraftKings.  
• In the spirit of Super Bowl champion Peyton Manning, I'm gonna throw some uncompensated endorsement towards Duluth Trading Company.  I recently bought some of their Buck Naked underwear and boy howdy!!!  Those drawers are so comfy and supportive in all the right places.  I strongly suggest you try out a pair.  My wife got a pair, too, and loves the anti-wedgie component of them.  
• Ben The Bachelor did not disappoint this week and sent Olivia packing and made her take the news in gale force winds on the beach.  The sand shower she got from the tiny twisters whipping across that beach left her with a Rudolph nose and a Huckleberry Hound face.  It was classic.  
• I was never a Beverly Hills, 90210 fan but I learned of this rumor this week.  Did you know that it had a working title of Potomac 20854?

Best Picture nom-nom - I had the unexpected and unintentional pleasure of watching two of the Best Picture nominees this week, Mad Max: Fury Road and The Revenant.  A few quick thoughts: 1) Tom Hardy is a strong contender for his supporting role to Leonardo DiCaprio  2) Mad Max was a complete letdown. Wasn't impressed at all  3) The Revenant was good but I had such unattainable high hopes for it that it too was a bit of a hollow experience.  The cinematography is incredible, not as good as Atonement, but pretty darn good.  There are several scenes that are shot in a way that I've never experienced before.  Lots of quality use of depth and visual trickery.

Restaurant Wars 2: The Strawberry Salad Incident - Top Chef completed their two-part Restaurant Wars episode and SPOILER ALERT the Orange Team completely screwed the pooch on nearly every facet of the challenge.  Their lunch service ran ridiculously late and delayed any productive prep time for dinner.  Each guy on that team faced some serious harsh criticism for various shortcomings in their dishes and/or job performance.  Each of them faced elimination but only one of them had to "pack their knives and go".  I won't ruin it but I was pleased to see this chef hit the bricks.  

Parenting Storytime - When you're home alone with two small children diaper changes regularly become a group activity.  My 10 month old is a mover and a shaker and loves to pull up on anything these days.  My 2+ y/o has recently embraced a daredevil lifestyle that wasn't present three months ago.  A normal bit that we do after concluding his diaper change on top of his changing station/dresser is a modified chest bump where he dives into my chest and I do a figure skater-type lift with him to bonk his head on the ceiling; he loves it.  One day last week things were setting up perfect for our normal post-diaper routine when H2 showed up to ruin our timing.  She was pulling up on his dresser and my Dad clairvoyance quickly predicted that she was about to pinch four of her fingers in the open drawer.  I bent over at the waist to save her digits at the exact moment that H1 went into his BASE jumper release.  BAM!  Amazingly he "landed" bellyflop-style on my lower back and I quickly pinned him against my back with my free hand and prevented a trip to the ER.  It felt like a skit from Police Academy or Naked Gun only with a lot more tears and startled looks. 

February 6, 2016

This week: The Bachelor, Top Chef, Random Thoughts, XM Hits of the Month and more...

Because you know you've watched it too... - Project Runway I like.  Top Chef (see below) I enjoy.  I've even watched Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta a few episodes at a time.  But The Bachelor is the classic example of trainwreck TV; I can't look away sometimes when E has it on.  Aside: its on for two hours (!!!) but the OnDemand version is only 45 mins which means 75 mins of commercials.  Ridiculous.  This week's cliffhanger has me agonizing over whether Ben's gonna give Olivia the boot.  She is definitely a conniving, manipulative coquette that needs to get her bus ticket back to Harpy Island.  Ben deserves better.  And, I'd like to note, that Ben was a pretty stand-up guy when he was classy enough to take the twins to their Mom's place so that when he dumped Twin #2 she could be consoled by her Mom.  That's exactly how I broke up with the set of twins I dated in college.  Well played, Ben.   

Drama good, tension bad - Top Chef did their Restaurant Wars episode this week and left us hanging with the old "to be continued..." conclusion.  The Restaurant Wars episode never disappoints, but each season the combination of drama & tension shifts more towards the excruciating side of tense.  It makes it almost unbearable to watch Jeremy make such a terrible decision to ignore the rest of his team's tables in favor of giving the judges their dishes.  He's a damn good chef and was a major frontrunner coming into this challenge, but his smug bravado is putting him at serious risk of going home.   Tune in this Thursday at 9pm EST on Bravo for the dramatic conclusion as the teams transition to dinner service and everyone's roles change.  

Random thoughts - 

• In my free time I just wanna sit outside the Chick Fil A drive thru and chuck water balloons at the people who refuse to circle the building to enter the drive thru line, instead choosing to do that half-assed, lazy line-cutting nonsense
• Can we put an indefinite moratorium on announcers using all things "video game" related?  "Oh man, he hit the circle button", "he's doing things you only see in video games", "he hit him with the truck stick".  Come on, Jay Bilas, you're better than that.  Its a tired reference and it needs to be shelved for 10 years minimum.  
• I coined some new terms for my buddy who hates "man cave".  "Bro boudoir" and "dude dungeon".  Got any others?

XM Hits of the Month - These songs burrowed into my ears in January and stayed awhile.

• Blow by Kesha
• Get ur Freak On by Missy Elliott
• Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills, and Nash
• Just Like Heaven by The Cure
• What Do I Have to Do? by Stabbing Westward
• My Girl by The Temptations
• Runaway by Elvis Presley
• Fire & the Flood by Vance Joy
• Blowing Me Up by JC Chasez
• Sound & Color by Alabama Shakes (video is Michael Jackson's Scream meets Matt Damon's The Martian)
• They Reminisce Over You by Pete Rock & CL Smooth
• Hay by Crucial Conflict (some of my best car-dancing in years)
• Time Bomb by Rancid
• Oh Boy by Cam'ron
• Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z
• Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
• People of the Sun by Rage Against the Machine

DraftKings Winning Lineup - I've been playing a TON of free contests just to pass the time; I signed up for nearly 50 in the last 24 hours alone.  But this one back on Monday won me a phat payday of $1.80.  Lunch is on me.  Wanna split a small fry?

• PG Deron Williams
• SG Aaron Afflalo
• SF Chandler Parsons
• PF Kristaps Porzingis
• C Tyson Chandler
• G Archie Goodwin
• F Draymond Green
• Util Devin Booker

NOTE: If you ever pondered "if I was a GM I would just load up on Kentucky Wildcats, I'm guaranteed 50 wins".  Uh, think again.  The Suns have four former Wildcats (Bledsoe, Knight, Goodwin, Booker) and are 14-37.  And the Kings boast three (Cousins, Cauley-Stein, Rondo) and are 21-29.  

The Big Game powered by Copyright Infringement, Inc. - In less than 24 hours from this writing we'll have a Super Bowl Champion; after two weeks of hub-bub and fanfare we're finally gonna see a game.  And everyone (me included) has predicted one of two likely outcomes: Panthers rout or Broncos nailbiter.  Well, I'm ready to step outside the lockstep of American talking heads and predict a Bronco beatdown.  Seattle and Arizona were forced to abandon the run and throw the ball to fight back from huge deficits.  They rushed the ball 12 and 16 times, respectively.  Carolina boasts a Top 5 rush defense but they haven't faced a team committed to the run since Week 16 when Atlanta rushed 30 times (albeit for 77 yds).  If Denver can churn out 4 or 5 yd gains with the above-average tandem of Ronnie Hillman and C.J. Anderson and avoid falling behind early they could set themselves up for a 28-10 shocker.  Their defense is relentless and will be all over Cam Newton and likely return at least one interception for a score.  I'm officially picking Denver to run roughshod over an unsuspecting Panthers team that has very little experience playing from behind.

January 8, 2016

This week: New Year's Sux, XM Hits of the Month, Storytime, and more...

Like my fellow big wig media brethren (Mike & Mike, Dan Patrick, PTI, etc.) I elected to spend the holiday break with family and friends, while anxiously pondering all the topics for new content in the new year.  Happy New Year to all and to all a good winter...brrrr!

The New Year's Six disappoints - When the College Football Playoff people laid claim to the idea of redefining America's New Year's experience I bought in completely, mainly because NYE is my 2nd-least favorite holiday behind Halloween.  College football is the best product to capture my viewership on a day full of countdowns and B-list celebrities.  Sadly, this season's New Year's Six were terrible.  Every game was out-of-hand and decided by halftime with a 24.2 pt average margin of victory.  The matchups were intriguing but the performances were lackluster.  The most mind-boggling component of that colossal letdown was the sheer probability that 6 games would all end up with the same outcome, blowout.  By the time the Sugar Bowl kicked off, Ole Miss and Oklahoma State needed to play the most amazing, historic, epic college football game in the history of the sport to stand a chance at redeeming an experience that found me watching alot more of the Mythbusters marathon than competitive football.  Ole Miss was up 34-6 at halftime and I was enjoying the episode where Adam & Jamie make a duct tape bridge.  Better luck next year New Year's Six.  Don't let me down again.

Fun note about the wife and why I love her so - She wandered in while the Peach Bowl was on and asked "Houston and Florida State??  Houston's not in the SEC.  I thought this was a SEC vs ACC bowl??"  I was simultaneously slack-jawed and unsurprised.  After 10+ years she continues to impress me with her understanding of the nuances and minutiae of the sports I love to watch.  I need to return the favor and figure out how to do a thoracentesis without turning ghastly gray and falling to the floor like a sack of turnips.   

Questions I had to answer this past week
 - "Do you let him drink out of empty soap bottles?"
 - "(Is it) so bad we need to buy a new carseat?"

XM Hits of the Month - These earworms wiggled their way into my head and hung out for a few days or even a few weeks in some cases.  And now, I pass them on to you.

• No Time by Lil Kim
• Malibu by Hole
• My Hood by Young Jeezy
• Even the Nights are Better by Air Supply
• Mystery Train by Elvis Presley
• Thuggish Ruggish Bone by Bone Thugs N Harmony
• You're All I've Got Tonight by The Cars
• The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel
• Cake by the Ocean by DCNE
• Welcome to Atlanta by Jermaine Dupri
• Private Eyes by Hall & Oates

Hall of Fame notes - I intend to dedicate several sections over the next few weeks to Hall of Fame discussion in MLB, NBA, and NFL, but a quick little nugget to chew on this week with your buddies:  Should a HOF ballot be judged against history or judged against their generation? 

NFL Wild Card Weekend - The NFL season blew right by and here comes the playoffs.  Before you know it pitchers & catchers will be reporting and the Super Bowl will yesterday's news.  But we still have four weeks of playoff action and I'm gonna shake up my crystal ball and make some picks.  Kansas City wins with ease, Cincinnati starts their run to the AFC title game and the QB controversy that comes with it, Minnesota pulls off the biggest upset of the weekend, and Green Bay gets it right for one week before falling in the Divisional Round.  NOTE: Check out the latest poll question about QBs on the right.  

UFC rematches revisited - A few weeks ago I addressed the (un)likelihood of any of the three newly crowned champs facing immediate rematches and this week we got news from the UFC that Conor McGregor and Holly Holm would indeed be facing new opponents in their next fights. 

DraftKings winning lineup - I won $2 with the following lineup (and lost $0.75 on some other..... 

• PG Chris Paul
• SG J.J. Redick
• SF Maurice Harkless
• PF Zach Randolph
• C Deandre Jordan
• G Mario Chalmers
• F Al-Farouq Aminu
• Util Damian Lillard

I also missed out on another buck or two because of this bizarre lineup nonsense in Portland the other night.  I'm living proof that DraftKings can have you ballin' like a boss on the McDonald's McPick 2 menu. 

Random thoughts 

• Do you think David Carr bought his offensive linemen gifts the season he was sacked a record 76 times?
• Did you know that the re-released DVD version of Return of the Jedi features a blasphemous edit job?  In the final scene where the ghostly holograms of Obi-Won, Yoda, and Anakin are waving at Luke they removed the original British actor that played Vader (David Prowse) and inserted a hologram of Hayden Christensen.  

Parenting Storytime I - I picked H1 up from school on Tuesday and immediately recognized that distinctive smell.  Having left the diaper bag in the van and electing not to subject my son's undercarriage to sub-freezing temps I chose to let him ride dirty to the house and I'd change him there.  Upon latching him into his carseat my fate was sealed.  The 20-min car ride home concluded and I proceeded to unlock him.  His shirt had hiked up from the squirming and squishing he did from school to home and before his butt had even scooted completely out of his chair I saw a golf ball-sized deposit of poop being squeezed out of the top of his diaper like a baker's icing bag.  I quickly entered damage control mode and tried to keep him from the dreaded "transfer phase" of this experience.  I acknowledged that it was all over his carseat, but tabled that dilemma for a later time.  I had to get him inside pronto.  He followed me to H2's side and while I was unlocking her straps, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flicker of something move.  I turned to rush inside and had to high-step the poop that was now in my driveway that I'd unknowingly seen fall from my son's backside.  I scooped him up, double carried the kids up the stairs, put H2 in her crib and began the 10-min cleanup process.  I lost count of wipes and seriously considered throwing H1 in the shower (I declined).  A few hours later, rocking fresh new gear and re-energized from naps we stepped outside just in time to see the neighbor's dog rush from his backyard, greet us, and proceed to eat the poop from our driveway.  Which reminded me "oh crap, I never cleaned the carseat".  Three Lysol wipes & a kitchen towel later and we weren't in need of a new carseat, phew.  

Parenting Storytime II - E and I have faced the challenges of a toddler with speech delay for over a year now and its been rewarding every time H1 puts another notch in his belt with "milk", "cow", "train" and more.  He's incredibly conversational and expresses himself in his own unique voice and language that is occasionally peppered with legitimate words.  We've had success in the last month with the emphasis his therapist put on polysyllabic commands and phrases like "more crackers" and "applesauce" and "upstairs".  While we've been hyperfocused on his progress we've ignored the usual (I presume) experience of watching your child just naturally pick up tons of phrases and structuring sentences on their own simply by mimicking or parroting.  I've grown conditioned to the process of working on syllables and constructing sounds into words.  So, we all sat down for storytime as a family the other night when H1 migrated off Mommy's lap into mine while she took H2 to her room to lie down.  E: "Nite, nite"  H1: "Nigh, nigh.  uv you".  E and I instantly locked eyes in that "did he....??" look.  She quickly knelt down and kissed him on his head and said "I love you, too".  She got off easy :) I had to warble through the reading of three more stories after that powerfully emotional moment of my child saying "I love you" for the first time.  By the third story ("Snowmen at Night"), H1 was looking at me like "why are you crying?".  He proceeded to console me with a pat on my shoulder and a big smile.  Thanks buddy, I love you too :)

Thanks for reading and supporting my efforts.  I've gotten some great feedback and encouraging acknowledgments in the last month and I truly appreciate the interest.  Have a great week!

December 11, 2015

This week: Braves trade, Driving pet peeves, Parenting Storytime and more...

Shelby Miller headed to the desert - Parting ways with Shelby Miller became an inevitable truth this offseason and the Braves made it clear that the return on that trade had to blow them away.  And according to multiple media types, the Braves' haul was tremendous.  An immediate starter in CF (Ender Inciarte), a darkhorse rotation candidate (Aaron Blair), and the homegrown boy-made-good from Marietta (Dansby Swanson).  Swanson is the biggest chip of this package; his potential career arc is tantalizing.  He'd be way ahead of schedule if he becomes the 2017 Opening Day starter at SS, but that's probably exactly what the Braves hopes he becomes.  More likely, he makes his debut as a September call-up in 2017 and secures the starting spot in 2018 Spring Training.  Aside: the quiet signing of C Tyler Flowers puts former phenom Christian Bethancourt on notice.  He'll get flipped for a reserve OF or mid-level pitching prospect in the coming weeks. (UPDATE: I meant to say "young reliever and minor league catcher").  Aside #2:  Freddie Freeman might very well get moved this winter, too.  The Cardinals, Pirates, and Astros seem like strong possibilities with weak first base options.

Some real talk: Driving Edition - I'm a reformed speeder and aggressive driver (38 traffic stops, 16 speeding tickets, but only one stop in the last 10 years and that was for rolling through a right turn on a stop sign in my Yaris and I got a warning).  I'm not proud of my history, but I feel it gives me some credence when I assess other drivers and their poor habits and dangerous behavior.  

• The Parking Lot Speeder - aka The Neighborhood Speeder.  25 mph is alot faster when a mother of three with a wild 8 year old comes darting out of a grocery store/driveway.  Pedestrian traffic is an absolute truth in a parking lot/n'hood and 10 mph seems slow, but that's the idea.  Slow down, parking lot speeder.
• The Left Lane Lagger - In 2014, GA enacted the "Slow Poke Law" to prevent drivers from hanging out in the left lane.  Those laggers think they're doing some social service by keeping everyone in line by "enforcing" the speeding laws, but ultimately they put everyone at risk by the sudden slowdowns and the eventual right lane workarounds required by faster traffic to navigate around them.  Move over, slow pokes.
• The Aggressive Tailgater - The archenemy of The Left Lane Lagger.  This was me.  I tried teaching the slow pokes the lesson they deserved by hanging onto their bumper and forcing them over.  I had a pretty sobering moment about 10 years ago that changed my ways.  I wised up, did some soul-searching and realized that I didn't want to forfeit my freedoms and liberties just for that brief satisfaction of driving 90 mph past some old man.  Back off, tailgater. 
• The Lane Darter - They coast past dozens of cars honorably waiting their turn to get through an intersection and dart into a gap.  They would never do this in any other circumstance.  No one would just dart in the concession line at the movie theater simply because the old lady on her cane moved a little slower than most.  Wait your turn, lane darter. 
• The Bob & Weaver - A cousin of The Aggressive Tailgater, this guy bobs & weaves his way through morning rush hour causing sudden slowdowns or stops just so he can maneuver forward 4 car lengths.  Congestion plagues us all, but they're making it worse by stressing everyone out with their sudden and unpredictable behavior.  Take it easy, Bob Weaver.
• The Turn Lane Hanger - You've seen 'em, they lollygag into the center turn lane at 20% speed and take a terrible angle and then get stuck hanging out of the turn lane diagonally.  Their bumper causes an obstacle that must be navigated by everyone coming up behind them.  Its a simple lane change and this person treats it like they're docking a cruise ship blindfolded.  Get it together, Lane Hanger.
• The Emergency Lane Cruiser - This guy takes selfish, anxious, entitled, and brazen and pieces them together to make a Voltron-sized schmuck that cruises in the emergency lane, sometimes popping back into regular traffic to increase the level of difficulty.  Read this story to really bum you out and realize how quickly your life can change by doing this.  
• The Headlight Ignoramus - "Headlights are just as important for them to see you as it is for you to see them." - Dennis Mullen  My Dad dropped that little life lesson on me when he was teaching me about driving at dawn and dusk and I think of it every day when I'm driving Emily to work at 7:30am.  Early morning, foggy dew-covered windows & mirrors, glare of the sun on the horizon its easy to miss speeding on-comers in the neighborhood.  But if they have their lights on, they stand out pretty brightly.  Boats and sea vessels use running lights for exactly this reason.  Brighten up, Headlight Ignoramus.
• Dishonorable mentions: The Emergency Vehicle Disrespecter, The Red Light Runner, The Texter

Its easy to lob tomatoes at these other drivers, but what if you are one of these drivers?  I'm not casting any stones, but next time you're out and about stop and think about your driving habits.  

Random Thoughts

• I identify more with Hudson Hornet and less with Lightning McQueen.  
• I prefer the Christmas classics of the Andy Williams, Bing Crosby, Burl Ives era.  And Harry Connick's When My Heart Finds Christmas.  
• The CFP got it right.  The semifinal matchups are gonna be fun to watch.  New Year's Six, baby!!
• UFC 194 will not disappoint this Saturday.  McGregor & Weidman will prevail in dramatic fashion.  PPV $$ well spent.

Parenting Story of the Week - Henry has been seeing a speech therapist for almost a year and last Monday she started emphasizing his "y" sounds like "yea, yah, yes" etc.  I earned my latest nickname that day, "Daddy-yah" which I heard 7,138 times that afternoon.  Fast forward a week.  The Daddy-yah Counter had eclipsed six digits and exploded into a million pieces.  I'm posted up at a stoplight steady bumpin' my funky fresh new jam Fetty Wap's "Trap Queen" and spittin' rhymes like a boss, gangsta-leanin' like a pimp when my hand dropped at noon on the steering wheel and I sadly remembered I'm driving a minivan.  Ignoring this harsh reality I still rap along....Adam: "I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby, YEAH!....I be in the kitchen cookin pies with my baby, (Henry: "YEAAHH!!")".  My Father of the Year ceremony is later this month.  You're all invited.   

Took a week off to enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and now we're back on track

College Football Playoff (CFP) Chaos, it's all the rage:  Several weeks ago I pitched the idea of UNC crashing the CFP Final Four and then all of America read the same tea leaves and the Tar Heels have occupied much of the discussion ever since.  My royalty check for such a prescient idea must be lost in the mail.  Oh well.  After making such a bold prediction that Larry Fedora would challenge the committee's Mission Statement, I'm prepared to take a wild left turn off that same idea and predict yet another layer of chaos.  Let's set the stage for Saturday:  Oklahoma is IN, Alabama is IN after a tougher-than-expected win over UF, the B1G champ is IN, and Stanford loses to USC.  With that setup, Clemson and UNC wage a war for the ages.  Two high-scoring offenses with overlooked defenses engage in a defensive struggle that ultimately results in a grind-it-out, last second GW field goal for UNC 23-21.  Under those very specific circumstances, I predict a scenario where Clemson claims the #4 spot in the Playoff.  This obviously thumbs its nose at the AP Poll traditionalists who are still brainwashed to believe that losses immediately knock you out of contention and open the door for another team with its own older loss to whiz past them in the rankings.  But if the committee is entrusted to select the "best four teams" and Clemson has unquestionably held the #1 spot for most of the season and loses a nailbiter on the final play to a team that everyone, including the committee, has kicked in the shins for 3 weeks because of a weak, FCS-laden schedule then why not Clemson?  Admittedly, this scenario looks waaaay different if Clemson gets their teeth kicked in for four quarters, but a hard fought loss in a conference championship game should keep the Tigers in the running for the National Title.  

Proud (??) NFL Sunday Ticket Subscriber:  Paul Tagliabue got his wish.  Parity runs amok in the NFL and I'm not convinced its such a good thing.  I suppose the idea of parity is meant to keep every team in contention for a longer period of the season and inspire playoff hopes among more fan bases across the league, but its actually created one giant morass of Meh.  Each week I set up three TVs in my bonus room and fire up my Sunday Ticket package eagerly seeking the marquee matchups that will keep me sitting on the edge of my seat from 1pm to 7pm.  Instead I do a once-over on the schedule and realize most of these games will be complete snoozefests.  I've come to refer to the 2nd quarter as my naptime for the day.  Entering Sunday, 13 teams (40% of the league) are within 1 game of .500.  Another six teams are 4-7 with the last sliver of playoff aspirations hanging in the wind this weekend.  As a fan, its impossible to get excited about most of these teams (I'm ignoring the fantasy component of watching football; call me corny, but I watch football for the love of the game).  Its not like they are all equally matched super-squads with multiple HOFs among them slugging it out every Sunday for a small chance of staying alive in the playoff hunt.  Nope, these are ugly teams playing mostly ugly football.  Granted, I'm a Falcons fan, so I see alot of ugly football which might cloud my vision, but I do have 2 other televisions with other games on and commonly those games lack just as much sizzle as the Dirty Birds.  I don't have the space to solve this problem, but suffice it to say that it IS a problem that originated from a solution to a different problem 25 years ago.  

Parenting Story of the Week: My wife has a pretty good habit of regularly tidying up our kids' clothes drawers and reposing old clothes to the Rubbermaids in our garage.  Its getting cold here in NC and my 2.5 year old son had a dearth of adequate pants.  As I rummaged through his pants drawer I saw some jeans he hadn't worn in awhile and thought "eh, these'll work".  As soon as I put them on he quickly rubbed his belly right at the waistband and I didn't think anything of it, then as he ran down the hallway I thought "man, he's getting tall, those pants are highwaters on him".  A little while later my wife came home and pointed out to me that I put our 33 month old son in 18 month old jeans.  I'm an idiot.  

Random Thoughts: 

• Annie Lennox begat Pink. Cyndi Lauper begat Lady Gaga. Barbara Streisand begat Adele. 
• Sometimes I toast my PB&J bread to trick my stomach into thinking I'm eating a hot meal.

Things we learned this week:

• Jahlil Okafor hates losing almost as much as he hates being heckled about losing
• Kerwin Roach got mad hops
• These two Adele-related videos from SNL and the BBC caught my eye.
• I played this for my in-laws last week and they laughed heartily at Moms learning iTunes.

Housekeeping: Please note the polls on the right margin.  They'll stay active for the week and polling will close every Friday night.  If you have a poll question submission just email me and we'll see, no promises.  I'll also regularly post fun lists for you to WOW your friends at the water cooler. I've received suggestions for future topics, but some of them are outside of my wheelhouse.  So, I encourage you to submit a paragraph on a topic from the world of sports or entertainment and I'll see if you can co-opt a section of my blog :)  I'm hoping to do a section on Survivor and/or The Amazing Race in the coming weeks.  Top Chef returned this week, too, so maybe that'll make the cut.  Finally, if you're new to The Chatter check out the archives.  I went live with this iteration of the blog this week, but beta testing included some early blog posts.  Check 'em out.