February 27, 2016

This week: UFC shakeup, Braves pickup, Parenting Storytime, and more...

You dropped a bomb on me - The UFC dropped a bombshell on Monday when it announced that Lightweight Champ Rafael Dos Anjos was forced to withdraw from the upcoming PPV fight versus Featherweight Champ Conor McGregor.  And the media was abuzz all week as the UFC scrambled to find a worthy opponent to face McGregor on 13 days notice.  We came fleetingly close to the unintended rematch between McGregor and the former champ he decimated in 13 seconds Jose Aldo.  Aldo passed on the chance to fight on short notice.  As did Frankie Edgar who expressed all sorts of sour grapes at the UFC for what appeared to me as very skewed logic.  Nate Diaz accepted the offer to step in and face The Notorious One because he has virtually nothing to lose and a small teaspoon to gain if somehow he manages to best the current baddest man on the planet (this title meanders around Earth constantly like World Famous Clam Chowder or Cutest Cat Vid).  The real draw to this fight for me isn't Diaz or whichever second-class citizen fighter they threw enough money at to fight on short notice, its watching McGregor fight at 170 lbs.  According the latest SI article on The Fighting Irishman, he walks around at 170 and has to cut a ton of weight to get to his division weight of 145.  Will the extra weight translate to more power or slower punches?  I'll pay $60 to find out.  $10 to get in the door.  Who's in?  Elias Cepeda from FOXSports.com did a thorough McGregor-Diaz matchup analysis.  

Baby Braves keep wandering back home - 2005 in Atlanta marked a special time in modern Braves history when rookies Brian McCann, Kelly Johnson, Kyle Davies, Ryan Langerhans, and my personal man-crush Jeff Francoeur debuted at Turner Field.  There was such profound optimism that season that the torch was being passed to the next wave of prospects ready to continue the Schuerholz legacy in Braves Country.  Alas, it was never meant to be.  That team was fun to watch (mostly), but none of those guys really ascended to remarkable heights (save McCann, but his tools translated more to a complementary stud rather than franchise savior).  Well, this week Schuerholz & Co. welcomed back one of those guys on a minor-league deal.  Jeff Francoeur will attempt to claim a reserve outfielder/late-inning pinch-hitter role with the team that nurtured his early career.  I'm truly rooting for him to finish up his career with 4-5 mid-quality seasons where it all started.  Nothing outrageous, just a nice, productive stretch as a utility OF that makes the occasional spot start.  Of course, I rooted for Dan Uggla and look where that got me.  ASIDE: I had a Field Pass one time down at Spring Training and was armed with my Canon DSLR snapping pics of anything and everything.  Several players worked the crowd from right to left signing autographs.  I'm not an autograph guy; I prefer to capture the moments on (digital) film.  Dan Uggla was on autopilot signing fan after fan and was headed my way.  I had no pen, no paper, just my camera.  He gets to me (we're essentially peers since there's no more than 15 mos separating us) and I'm like "uhhh" and he gives me this empty-handed frozen stare, so I just decide to wish him "Good luck this season" and shook his hand.  He seemed really thrown off by that.  It was my brush with not-so-greatness.  


Random Thoughts 

• My phone was down to less than 10% battery with over an hour to go before school pickup and a sleeping baby in the backseat.  In conservation mode, I started scrounging around the van for something to read like I was a Neanderthal in the Stone Age.  I found an old Sports Illustrated I'd already read and this month's Soma catalog.......after several minutes of internal debate, I determined that this season's Embraceable Bra & Pantie Collection has some very tasteful color combinations.  Any port in the storm, I guess.  I followed that up with the Everything Koalas book from Chick Fil A.  I felt like Johnny Five stuck in a glove box.  
• My wife described my new favorite bread as "flaccid".  Ironically, its much harder to put in my mouth now.  

Parenting Storytime - I'm a hoodie guy.  Not sure when it really started, but I love hoodies.  They're so comfy and versatile with their big front pocket and ear-protecting hood.  If I could get a new hoodie every Christmas for the rest of my life I'd be one happy hood-ligan....(not my best work, but I'm going with it).  I recently got a new Braves Spring Training Edition blue hoodie.  I was wearing it Thursday night to dinner with the fam.  Typical family dinner at a sandwich shop with Cranky and Fussy, the forgotten dwarfs.  Fussy the Baby was missing her solids that Dad forgot to pack in the diaper bag.  We found some applesauce squeezies and decided "yeah, she'll be ok with Applesauce Mango".  Two squeezies down the gullet and a less fussy, albeit still sleepy, baby in-hand.  We're packing up our things, doing the standard exit strategizing, and I'm holding not-so-Fussy when I see it.  That look everyone knows ends with snotty noses, gagged reflexes, and acidic sandpaper aftertaste.  I darted through the exit like I just snatched a bunch of diamond necklaces off the counter.  And here it came, the continual lava flow of orange mango applesauce mixed with baby bile.  I embraced her for the first wave and got more than a smidgen on my hoodie.  I then attempted to hold her away from me over the vacant parking space but she wasn't having that.  She held my sweatshirt like I was three weeks late on the money I owed her and I just cradled her into my shoulder and let it all ooze down my sleeve and chest.  Cranky the Fastidious Toddler came out in time for wave #3 and quickly retreated back to the tidy safety of Mommy with a hilarious-even-at-the-time disgusted, mouth agape look on his face.  It drenched my hoodie and soaked through my T-shirt.  I changed into one of my recently dry-cleaned button downs hanging in the back of the van and was good-to-go.  In a show of Parenting Solidarity, a random guy (I presume a Dad) walked by while I was peeling off the vomit-soaked massacre and was like "what's up, man" and gave me the head nod approval of "been there dude".  It took two washes but my hoodie game is still going strong. 

February 22, 2016

This week: MLB Spring Training, Deadpool, Survivor and The Amazing Race, and more...

Pitchers & Catchers reported..... - ...and all is right with the world.  I enjoy plenty of other sports, much to my wife's chagrin.  I enjoy college and pro football.  I'm intrigued by international soccer, although my comprehension is on-par with an advanced third grader who sits in the front row.  I've loved MMA for over 10 years but watching it has become taxing due to the late starts on a Saturday night.  But baseball is my passion.  I thoroughly enjoy all the nuances and intricacies of the game; the cerebral component of the competition is very appealing to me.  This time of year is always so exciting for me as MLB gets back into the swing of things.  I've had the great fortune to attend Braves Spring Training each of the last four years (maybe five, I can't honestly remember) with the blessing (and sometime attendance) of my wife.  If you've never been I strongly encourage you check it out.  The atmosphere is very easygoing and mostly all of the players are approachable and at arm's length.  I'll go in-depth on the Braves later this month, but my overall opinion of this upcoming season is that they're gonna struggle to win 75 games but that's still an improvement of 8 wins over last season, so I'll take it.  The prospects and young talent are getting alot of attention coming into camp, but the veteran presence at every position could move the needle closer to 80 wins.  But lots of reclamation projects need to turn in the right direction for that to work out.  

Deadpool review NO SPOILERS - I hate when someone says "this isn't gonna ruin the movie, lemme just tell you this one part".  ARGH!!!  There's a reason I don't watch the trailer for certain films.  Trailers are designed to attract the moth to the flame, but with some movies I don't need that carrot on a stick (I like to mix metaphors).  So, I'll tread lightly with my review for Deadpool.  I LOVED it.  Funny, irreverent, graphic, and a major departure from any other comic book movie you've seen.  Consider this your word-of-mouth endorsement.  Go check it out, you won't be disappointed.  I'm already angling to get another night off from Dad Duties to see it again.  

Jeff Probst and Phil Keoghan are back - Survivor and The Amazing Race returned this past week and thus far been pleasing and entertaining.  They may tweak their games/race here and there each season but for the most part they both have a very successful template for success and they don't stray too far off the path.  Jeff Probst is such a powerful, integral part of the show's production that I pondered aloud to my sister if the franchise could survive (haha) without him.  After some discussion we agreed that they could pass the torch (I'm on a roll) to someone within the fraternity of the show (i.e., a former player).  I think Colby Donaldson would be an obvious choice for an audition.  Recent winner Jeremy Collins also has some strong attributes that make him a contender.  My sister thinks former winner Parvati Shallow could transition from the work she's done on CBS.com to become Jeff 2.0.  The most important quality to replace is Jeff's scrutinizing probing (that's my last one) at tribal council.  He has a gift for really stirring the pot and seeing what comes to the top.  There's no reason to think Jeff is leaving, but its fun to entertain the idea of him stepping down and filling that role.  Its like debating Nick Saban's successor.  The Amazing Race's best seasons have avoided the cheesy melodrama of Big Brother and the backstabbing alliances of Survivor.  They've done their best work when they've carved out their own lane in traffic with honest, fair gameplay between teams without a bunch of cliques and in-fighting.  After two episodes, this season appears to fit nicely in that template.  The teams are friendly, fair, and competitive; just the way I like it.


Open forum discussion time - What does Facebook look like in 10 years?  20 years?  Does it truly have the staying power that we all presume it does?  Or does it plateau or even lose subscribers over that span and become MySpace, LYCOS, or HotOrNot?  Is Facebook gonna be the air conditioning of our generation?  That invention that you never knew you couldn't live without.  Or does it fizzle out like Crystal Pepsi?  Lots of questions on the same topic.  Discuss in the comments section.

The worst fight in MMA history - Chad Dundas of Bleacher Report did a much better job documenting and lampooning the "fight" between legendary street brawlers Kimbo Slice and Dada 5000, so I'll share it with you here.  It just as funny as the fight itself.  I watched it the next morning without knowing the outcome and quickly realized that fast forwarding was the easiest way to power through that travashamockery of MMA fighting.  Even on FF I was still laughing out loud at how comical this fight was in front of an arena of fans.  Thankfully I can comfortably mock this fight knowing that Dada 5000 is recovering nicely after nearly dying in the hospital after the fight. NOTE: Watch the birth of "travashamockery" here. 

This was an awesome promotion - This guy got to swing for the fences for an upgrade to his season tickets that he'd already bought.  His clean, powerful swing put him in box seats.  Well done, sir.    

Housekeeping - My original intention with The Chatter was to be a weekly post about sports & entertainment musings.  I set a self-imposed deadline of Friday night.  Then it migrated to Saturday.......night.  Then Sunday came and went and here I am Monday morning working on the rough/final draft.  The reality is that carving out 2 hours a week to write can be challenging, but I truly enjoy the exercise of crafting my thoughts in the written word and sharing them with the handful of folks that I think will enjoy them.  I mention this because as my deadline migrates I have every intention of getting back to that Friday night commitment which means you'll either see a reallllly long break (see: NEXT Friday) or another installment sooner than normal (see: THIS Friday).  Thanks for the support and I'll see you Friday ;)

February 13, 2016

This week: Super Bowl recap, lots of Random Thoughts, Parenting Storytime and more...

I pulled a muscle... - ...patting myself on the back with my incredibly accurate Super Bowl prediction.  Denver's defense played like the No. 1 unit in football and got after Cam (more on him in a minute) all night and Peyton Manning was able to walk off 2-2 in Super Bowls and likely into a Budweiser-sponsored sunset.  The game itself wasn't pretty or spectacular or classic in any way, but it was nice to see the Panthers fall apart at the absolute worst time of the season (says a perpetually-bummed Falcons fan).  

Newton haters (no question marks this time) - If Cam Newton was the victim of an unfounded media crucifixion BEFORE the game, he was certainly the target of some well-reasoned public disappointment and vitriol AFTER the game.  The talking heads and pundits talked this issue to death this week, so I'll leave it alone...for the most part.  My favorite piece of commentary came from Seattle Seahawk Frank Clark who tweeted a video reacting to Cam's complete bailout job on the lost fumble late in the fourth quarter that pretty much sealed the Bronco win:  "That boy's a BITCH!!".  Matter of fact, direct, to-the-point....I like it.  He also added a slightly more eloquent assessment of Cam's diva-like, me-first, parasol-carrying debutante manner of playing: "[In] crunch time he want grapes, I'm eatin' mud".  It didn't help that Cam freely admitted that he purposefully and willfully avoided injury on his "attempt" at recovering that fumble.  If he never makes it back to the Super Bowl, that will be the lasting image of his career archive.  

Random Thoughts 

• The Super Bowl commercials were good (The Date, Alexa, The Ultrasound) and bad (PuppyMonkeyBaby), but the random commercial about "urgent diarrhea" really had me pondering.  Isn't "urgent diarrhea" a bit redundant?  I can't recall a time where diarrhea wasn't urgent and a top priority
• H1 was watching The Little Engine that Could the other day, and Emily unwittingly and hilariously called it The Truck that Can which I joked was the Canadian version.  I also came up with The Moped that Might.  Got any others?
• Watch Judge Judy for a week and you'll think twice about renting (as tenant OR landlord), loaning money to family or friends, or owning a dog. 
• 60 Minutes Sports on Showtime did a piece on Daily Fantasy Sports this week.  They profiled one of the normal heavy hitters in that world and he said that he spends about $1 million a month on thousands of contests.  Meanwhile, I'm still stinging from the $90 I've lost since August.  I was definitely enlightened at how much of a mope I am for being the bait to the big fish of DraftKings.  
• In the spirit of Super Bowl champion Peyton Manning, I'm gonna throw some uncompensated endorsement towards Duluth Trading Company.  I recently bought some of their Buck Naked underwear and boy howdy!!!  Those drawers are so comfy and supportive in all the right places.  I strongly suggest you try out a pair.  My wife got a pair, too, and loves the anti-wedgie component of them.  
• Ben The Bachelor did not disappoint this week and sent Olivia packing and made her take the news in gale force winds on the beach.  The sand shower she got from the tiny twisters whipping across that beach left her with a Rudolph nose and a Huckleberry Hound face.  It was classic.  
• I was never a Beverly Hills, 90210 fan but I learned of this rumor this week.  Did you know that it had a working title of Potomac 20854?

Best Picture nom-nom - I had the unexpected and unintentional pleasure of watching two of the Best Picture nominees this week, Mad Max: Fury Road and The Revenant.  A few quick thoughts: 1) Tom Hardy is a strong contender for his supporting role to Leonardo DiCaprio  2) Mad Max was a complete letdown. Wasn't impressed at all  3) The Revenant was good but I had such unattainable high hopes for it that it too was a bit of a hollow experience.  The cinematography is incredible, not as good as Atonement, but pretty darn good.  There are several scenes that are shot in a way that I've never experienced before.  Lots of quality use of depth and visual trickery.

Restaurant Wars 2: The Strawberry Salad Incident - Top Chef completed their two-part Restaurant Wars episode and SPOILER ALERT the Orange Team completely screwed the pooch on nearly every facet of the challenge.  Their lunch service ran ridiculously late and delayed any productive prep time for dinner.  Each guy on that team faced some serious harsh criticism for various shortcomings in their dishes and/or job performance.  Each of them faced elimination but only one of them had to "pack their knives and go".  I won't ruin it but I was pleased to see this chef hit the bricks.  

Parenting Storytime - When you're home alone with two small children diaper changes regularly become a group activity.  My 10 month old is a mover and a shaker and loves to pull up on anything these days.  My 2+ y/o has recently embraced a daredevil lifestyle that wasn't present three months ago.  A normal bit that we do after concluding his diaper change on top of his changing station/dresser is a modified chest bump where he dives into my chest and I do a figure skater-type lift with him to bonk his head on the ceiling; he loves it.  One day last week things were setting up perfect for our normal post-diaper routine when H2 showed up to ruin our timing.  She was pulling up on his dresser and my Dad clairvoyance quickly predicted that she was about to pinch four of her fingers in the open drawer.  I bent over at the waist to save her digits at the exact moment that H1 went into his BASE jumper release.  BAM!  Amazingly he "landed" bellyflop-style on my lower back and I quickly pinned him against my back with my free hand and prevented a trip to the ER.  It felt like a skit from Police Academy or Naked Gun only with a lot more tears and startled looks. 

February 6, 2016

This week: The Bachelor, Top Chef, Random Thoughts, XM Hits of the Month and more...

Because you know you've watched it too... - Project Runway I like.  Top Chef (see below) I enjoy.  I've even watched Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta a few episodes at a time.  But The Bachelor is the classic example of trainwreck TV; I can't look away sometimes when E has it on.  Aside: its on for two hours (!!!) but the OnDemand version is only 45 mins which means 75 mins of commercials.  Ridiculous.  This week's cliffhanger has me agonizing over whether Ben's gonna give Olivia the boot.  She is definitely a conniving, manipulative coquette that needs to get her bus ticket back to Harpy Island.  Ben deserves better.  And, I'd like to note, that Ben was a pretty stand-up guy when he was classy enough to take the twins to their Mom's place so that when he dumped Twin #2 she could be consoled by her Mom.  That's exactly how I broke up with the set of twins I dated in college.  Well played, Ben.   

Drama good, tension bad - Top Chef did their Restaurant Wars episode this week and left us hanging with the old "to be continued..." conclusion.  The Restaurant Wars episode never disappoints, but each season the combination of drama & tension shifts more towards the excruciating side of tense.  It makes it almost unbearable to watch Jeremy make such a terrible decision to ignore the rest of his team's tables in favor of giving the judges their dishes.  He's a damn good chef and was a major frontrunner coming into this challenge, but his smug bravado is putting him at serious risk of going home.   Tune in this Thursday at 9pm EST on Bravo for the dramatic conclusion as the teams transition to dinner service and everyone's roles change.  

Random thoughts - 

• In my free time I just wanna sit outside the Chick Fil A drive thru and chuck water balloons at the people who refuse to circle the building to enter the drive thru line, instead choosing to do that half-assed, lazy line-cutting nonsense
• Can we put an indefinite moratorium on announcers using all things "video game" related?  "Oh man, he hit the circle button", "he's doing things you only see in video games", "he hit him with the truck stick".  Come on, Jay Bilas, you're better than that.  Its a tired reference and it needs to be shelved for 10 years minimum.  
• I coined some new terms for my buddy who hates "man cave".  "Bro boudoir" and "dude dungeon".  Got any others?

XM Hits of the Month - These songs burrowed into my ears in January and stayed awhile.

• Blow by Kesha
• Get ur Freak On by Missy Elliott
• Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills, and Nash
• Just Like Heaven by The Cure
• What Do I Have to Do? by Stabbing Westward
• My Girl by The Temptations
• Runaway by Elvis Presley
• Fire & the Flood by Vance Joy
• Blowing Me Up by JC Chasez
• Sound & Color by Alabama Shakes (video is Michael Jackson's Scream meets Matt Damon's The Martian)
• They Reminisce Over You by Pete Rock & CL Smooth
• Hay by Crucial Conflict (some of my best car-dancing in years)
• Time Bomb by Rancid
• Oh Boy by Cam'ron
• Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z
• Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
• People of the Sun by Rage Against the Machine

DraftKings Winning Lineup - I've been playing a TON of free contests just to pass the time; I signed up for nearly 50 in the last 24 hours alone.  But this one back on Monday won me a phat payday of $1.80.  Lunch is on me.  Wanna split a small fry?

• PG Deron Williams
• SG Aaron Afflalo
• SF Chandler Parsons
• PF Kristaps Porzingis
• C Tyson Chandler
• G Archie Goodwin
• F Draymond Green
• Util Devin Booker

NOTE: If you ever pondered "if I was a GM I would just load up on Kentucky Wildcats, I'm guaranteed 50 wins".  Uh, think again.  The Suns have four former Wildcats (Bledsoe, Knight, Goodwin, Booker) and are 14-37.  And the Kings boast three (Cousins, Cauley-Stein, Rondo) and are 21-29.  

The Big Game powered by Copyright Infringement, Inc. - In less than 24 hours from this writing we'll have a Super Bowl Champion; after two weeks of hub-bub and fanfare we're finally gonna see a game.  And everyone (me included) has predicted one of two likely outcomes: Panthers rout or Broncos nailbiter.  Well, I'm ready to step outside the lockstep of American talking heads and predict a Bronco beatdown.  Seattle and Arizona were forced to abandon the run and throw the ball to fight back from huge deficits.  They rushed the ball 12 and 16 times, respectively.  Carolina boasts a Top 5 rush defense but they haven't faced a team committed to the run since Week 16 when Atlanta rushed 30 times (albeit for 77 yds).  If Denver can churn out 4 or 5 yd gains with the above-average tandem of Ronnie Hillman and C.J. Anderson and avoid falling behind early they could set themselves up for a 28-10 shocker.  Their defense is relentless and will be all over Cam Newton and likely return at least one interception for a score.  I'm officially picking Denver to run roughshod over an unsuspecting Panthers team that has very little experience playing from behind.

January 30, 2016

This week: NFL season comes to a close, UFC news, Parenting Story, and more...

Manning rides his battered Bronco into the Bay Area - The NFL Conference Title games went in opposite directions from each other and certainly didn't fit the expectations of most prognosticators.  Denver defended home-field with a tenacious, pressuring assault on Tom Brady and still had to sweat it out at the end of a 20-18 battle.  Meanwhile Carolina totally torched a Cardinals team that looked horribly outmatched in every phase of the game.  Heading into to Super Bowl week its fairly obvious that most of America is preparing for a Panther rout.  The extra week of preparation is the X-factor when it comes to the Super Bowl as both teams can iron out any gameplan tendencies that their opponent can exploit.  The chess match began Monday morning this week and while I still expect the Panthers to throttle Denver to a tune of 45-10, I'm really hoping for a 24-21 nailbiter.  Either way I'll be watching the commercials.  For fun, here's one of my faves.  It really struck a chord with me in that "American Spirit" kinda way.  Plus, who doesn't love Paul Harvey?

Newton haters?? - A frequent talking point this week was "Cam Newton is disrespected because he's (insert negative term here)".  Loud, irreverent, unsportsmanlike, selfish, arrogant, immature, depending on who you were listening to.  What bugged me about all this coverage was the fact that I never saw anyone actually report that, or write that, or assert the first-person position that Cam Newton is a loud-mouthed bum who doesn't deserve to play in the NFL or anyone go that extra step and vilify him because of his race.  I heard people talking about people who felt that way, but I never saw a specific example of that negative posturing.  It feels like a bunch of bluster over nothing.  Or worse, veiled negative commentary presented from a second-person POV.  For the record, I have no issues with Cam as a player (and have no opinion on him as a person, but he seems like a swell guy).  He's big, athletic, and committed to winning while honing his craft.  I have zero opinion on his race since I believe race is only an issue because people make it an issue.  Lots of intolerance based on race goes away when we ignore race altogether and assess character instead.  He's a great quarterback having an MVP campaign this season; just tip your cap to the man and wish him good health.  And I'm a Falcons fan :)  Btw, if you have some hard evidence of someone taking an assertive stance on "Cam sucks and here's why", then I'd like to examine it.  

UFC took it on the chin this week - UFC 196 was slated as the marquee Super Bowl weekend PPV featuring the granddaddy of 'em all, a heavyweight title fight.  Unfortunately both the champ Fabricio Werdum and the challenger (and former champ) Cain Velasquez suffered injuries which forced the UFC to make a bold, unprecedented move and scrap the main event altogether, elevate the co-main event and strip the PPV status from this card.  Now, everyone will get another free card on FS1.  Mark it on your calendar!! Saturday February 6, 10pm EST.

And now you know... - The term "bury the hatchet" traces back to Native American culture when warring tribes would settle their differences peacefully and as a symbolic show of good faith they would bury a hatchet.  The inverse is true, too.  If either side wanted to express an end to peace time, they would dig up the hatchet, tap gloves, and wait for Big John McCarthy to scream "LET'S GET IT ON!!".  And now you know.*

I still have no game, but neither does Russell Wilson - I stumbled across this little tidbit and laughed out loud for several minutes, and I couldn't exactly pinpoint why it was so funny to me.  I guess I just identified with that juvenile practice of feigning being suave and debonair like some corny rom-com where the nerd makes all the right moves despite the supreme embarrassment.  That, and Russell Wilson getting burned on Twitter just seemed really hilarious at the time. 

I'm pro-vaccination and not afraid to toss this out there - I fall squarely in the pro-vaccination camp, but don't really enjoy the social awkwardness that comes with discussing this with friends.  So, I'll let my new favorite snarky YouTube sensation ZDogg MD express my sentiments for me.

Parenting Storytime - Last weekend the weatherman dumped about 4 inches of snow and sleet in our area.  24 hours after it began things had settled down and I began the arduous shoveling process that never plagued me in my four years living in Florida (I'd still take shoveling snow over anything in Gainesville....except Tijuana Flats, I love me some Tijuana Flats).  H1 joined me outside as I started to dig out a path for my Swagger Wagon to safely exit our driveway.  I quickly became equal parts exhausted and self-conscious that my busybody neighbor and the snot-nosed punks down the street were watching me wondering how many times I was gonna fake talking to my son when, in fact, I was taking a breather between every third shovel hoist.  "Honey, come watch the big guy across the street act like he's chatting with his two year old".  I was able to slice a path in the meager icepack and had discarded the chunks of mini-icebergs in my yard with each shovel toss.  I then moved to the windshield of the van, opposite of my driveway swath, and started sweeping off the powder and ice.  Meanwhile, H1 is meandering around playing with his cars and scooter and what-not.....I thought.  I spent about ten minutes hyperfocused on achieving clear driving visibility and returned to the rear of the van only to find that my son had moved more than 25 mini-icebergs "back where they go".  Yep, he'd spent ten minutes walking back-and-forth putting the snow back behind the van because he likes for things to be where they belong.  And that is where they stayed, no more shoveling for this walrus.

*courtesy of The Book of Useless Knowledge by Dan Voorhees

January 22, 2016

This week I'm taking a departure from the normal format and dedicating most of my word count to one topic: Being a Dad.  This post has been bouncing around my head for a month and I wanted to get some stuff out there to maybe start painting the mosaic of being a parent, specifically a father.  I recognize that I'm just one person with one story and I'd like to share it and invite others to share their story too.

Real Talk: Dad Life - I'm fortunate to be a Stay-at-home Dad (SAHD).  My wife works very hard to provide for us and does an excellent job juggling the challenges of being a working Mom in a single income household.  The kids love her and get so excited when they see her after a long day.  I've been in the role of primary caregiver for nearly three years and I've encountered copious rewards and benefits that I never imagined or anticipated when we made the decision for me to stay home with a newborn baby.  Of course, becoming a parent is such an immersive experience.  It just happens one day, regardless of how much stuff you buy at Babies R Us or books you read, one day you aren't a parent and the next day you are and you better start figuring things out pretty quick.  Its like being dropped into Mongolia from a helicopter with a toothbrush and an English-to-Cantonese-to-Mongolian translation book.  You just have to figure it out.  

My SAHD evolution has moved from bummed self-doubt in Year One to encouraged self-awareness in Year Two to enlightened self-confidence in Year Three.  I feel like I'm moving up the levels of Scientology, but without the threat of a bankrupting Ponzi scheme fleecing my life savings.  In short, I love being a SAHD and my wife is completely, unwaveringly supportive of my role in our family.  But we certainly represent the minority segment of the stay-at-home parent community and while the idea of a Dad staying home is becoming more accepted in a general sense, the day-to-day life of a SAHD is a little bit different from its Stay-at-home Mom counterpart.  Here are some of the things I've encountered once, twice, or a thousand times in the last three years:

"Mr. Mom" - I'm generally pretty irreverent and can see the humor in things that some more-uptight folks might find offensive, but this one is where I draw the line because its an insult to both me and my wife.  Its intent isn't malicious (you'll see as we go that most of the comments aren't meant to be insulting, but that's actually part of the problem....I'll explain as we go), but it hits me like a fridge being dropped on my foot.  Essentially, you're espousing an outdated gender role assumption with two simple words.  Moms are meant to be the primary caregiver and Dads are meant to be the breadwinners.  And when faced with the reversal of these roles this ignorant, juvenile nickname pops out to acknowledge the subconscious confusion, or even disapproval, of this household dynamic.  Parenting would be much better off if support and encouragement popped out of people's mouths rather than mocking disapproval.

"Dads Don't Babysit...Its called Parenting" - I don't wear message tees.  I prefer to stay nondescript and generic in the background of people's day with my assortment of plaid button-downs and cargo pants.  But I have a black t-shirt with this message on it in big bold letters and I've worn it three times in nearly 6 months and its garnered some attention.  The first day is the most notable to show the spectrum of people I encounter when I'm out with my kids (read: when I'm obviously a Dad).  The first person that said something was a peer, a fellow Dad who briefly shared a story of "making that mistake the first time my wife left me with our son".  The second was a sweet, older woman in her 70s who expressed her sincere approval and wished more Dads were like me.  Finally, a very early 20-something girl pushed my tolerance of passive, backhanded judgment to the brink.  I had my 6-month old daughter in-hand and my 2 y/o son in-tow and the diaper bag slung-shouldered.  Upon seeing me and reading my shirt she said "Dads don't babysit, but uhhhhh" and pointed very cross-faced at my kids.  I responded "I'm not babysitting, its called parenting, read the rest of the shirt".  She sheepishly backed away from the counter and the young lady who actually was helping us turned her charm up to 11 and salvaged an uncomfortable moment for everyone.  

• "Oh boy, looks like you've got your hands full"
• "Looks like somebody got stuck with the kids today"
• "Do you need some help putting her in the high chair?"
• "Oh they're so cute, did Mom get the day off?"
• "Where's Mommy today?"

And every variation of those comments and then some.  Each one of them on their own is a completely banal, harmless acknowledgement of me and my kids, but the collection of them over the course of a month is death by a thousand cuts.  It clearly suggests that the community isn't quite ready for someone like me; a perfectly capable parent of two small children who isn't phased or rattled by the challenges of rolling solo "without Mom".  I don't suspect that being a SAHD has anything to do with these comments, in fact I'd really like to hear from all the hardworking Dads out there about their experience when they go out to Chick-fil-A or Target or Lowe's as a solo parent.  I imagine that simply being a Dad invites this treatment.  I've developed a litmus test for whether I should be offended or not.  I ask myself "would they say that to a Mom in this situation?".  If they wouldn't I file it away as yet another example of how much room for improvement society needs.  For the record, I've never mouthed off to any of these comments.  I instead just shake my head, roll my eyes and move on.  

"I don't really like you in that way" - I heard that refrain countless times through adolescence, but in my late 30s, as a happily married husband of nearly 7 years and out of the dating pool for over 10, I didn't expect to encounter this new twist on an old classic.  I've never actually had a stay-at-home Mom say this to me, but the subtle, nonverbal expression pops up over and over.  One of the most profound components of being a stay-at-home parent is the isolation, particularly as a male.  I'm on the leading edge of a movement that, while embraced by the general public as progressive and positive, still limits the day-to-day interaction and support needed for a SAHD to thrive and feel accepted.  SAHMs have an established tribe that meet up at Chick-fil-A, schedule playdates at the spur of the moment, go to wine-tastings, and generally support each other with the shared experiences of primary parenting.  I've yet to find that acceptance among Dads, mainly because I don't come across a lot of guys that look like me out in the world.  Sure, on a Saturday morning at Target I may see the occasional "Dad with kids" but they're typically older kids at a different stage of the parenting journey.  But I assure you on a Tuesday morning when I'm walking through Sam's Club buying formula and killing time before school pickup I see about 10-12 Moms with young kids and zero Dads with young kids.  Being social comes natural to me, but when I'm faced with chatting up SAHMs there's a tendency to default to the old high school dynamics of being hit on and having to play the "I have a boyfriend (read: husband)" card.  As a dude, I don't have the option to honestly, genuinely engage a fellow stay-at-home parent (Mom) in a conversation and develop a playdate buddy or even just a friend to meet up with on a Tuesday morning while I kill time at Chick-fil-A (Aside: I spend far too much time at Chick-fil-A).  

A real-life example: Storytime! I was at the playground with the family (wife & kids; which already every Mom in the area should be disarmed by the presence of my wife, but nope) and E and I met a Mom we'll call "Shelby".  Shelby's husband ("Mitch") was "out for a run in the park" while she and her 18 month old played on the swings.  E and I both chatted with her and found her very charming and pleasant.  E wandered off with H1 to check out the ducks and I hung back at the swings with H2 and chatted with Shelby for about 10 mins until Mitch returned, also very nice and pleasant.  It comes time to do the semi-awkward phone number exchange and here's where the unexpectedly bizarre part happened.  Mitch's phone was in the car, so he took her phone and put in my number and then said he would text me from his phone when they got home.  Uhhhh, ok.  I'm just naive enough to have never seen this coming.  My conclusion was that he didn't want his wife texting some dude they've both met at the playground.  Paradoxically I get it, but personally I was disappointed.  And this is exactly my point, stay-at-home parents need support from their own kind and as a dude I'm subjected to the social constructs of dating more than I'm rewarded for being in the social constructs of parenting.  Btw, he never texted me; now I get turned down by women AND men, yay! :)

In conclusion, parenting is a journey and, as with any journey, resources are critical.  Having a supportive spouse, peers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. can be invaluable.  Finding those resources among peers can be daunting and sometimes disappointing, especially for SAHDs.  I completely acknowledge that I'm just one story and I don't presume to speak for anyone other than myself.  And I invite and encourage all parents to share their thoughts on their experiences so far in parenting.  We need to be encouraging and supportive of one another on this journey.  

NFL Playoffs - I guzzled down the Kansas City Chiefs Kool-Aid and Bill Belichick made me gag on it and cough it out.  Never bet against the Patriots at home, lesson learned.  Otherwise, I nailed the other Divisional Round matchups perfectly.  Cardinals won a tight, instant classic.  Panthers won (the first half) in convincing fashion.  And Denver won an ugly duckling pageant.  Now, for the conference title games.  I'd love to see Manning win another Super Bowl and walk off into the sunset, but its just not gonna happen.  Brady, Edelman, and Darth Hoodie knock Manning out of the game and Osweiler will make it interesting but Patriots win.  Arizona will keep it close but the Panthers seem destined to take this thing all the way to the end setting up a rematch of the Wardrobe Malfunction Super Bowl.  

January 15, 2016

This week: NFL Playoffs, Powerball Mania, Parenting Storytime, and more...

NFL Playoffs continue - A shanked chip shot FG and two dumb personal fouls kept me from going 4-0 last weekend.  My bookie wasn't hearin' my sob story, so I'm officially 2-2 after the Chiefs won with ease (sorry Texan fans, Brian Hoyer is a lot more Billy Joe Tolliver and a lot less Warren Moon) and the Packers staved off eventual elimination for one week.  But those finishes in Cincinnati and Minnesota were maddening and shocking.  Selah, on to next week.  I see Carolina dispatching the Seahawks in convincing fashion, Arizona kicking the Packers to the curb in a tighter battle than their Week 16 matchup, Kansas City continues their march to Super Bowl 50 by beating up Brady & co., and Peyton Manning proves his 20-yd ducks are slightly more accurate than Ben Roethlisberger's 20-yd ducks as Denver wins ugly.  Who's joining me?? Dibs on the recliner.

We hit (only) the Powerball!!!! - My wife and I got caught up in the Powerball fervor this past week and put $50 in the pot the past two drawings.  A cool billion will make you do crazy things.  Laying in bed Wednesday night as the excitement built I saw the first white ball (an 8) roll into place and immediately knew our dreams of wandering the Earth in my dream coach RV went POOF.  Each subsequent white ball kicked me while I was down, but then that magic red ball rolled into place and the mini-burst of elation salvaged an experience that I never really put much faith in despite the excessive research I'd done on "how to claim my winnings".  We had the Powerball and the multiplier and E and I will happily share the $8 we'll claim later this month after setting up our LLC and telling her boss that she's taking an extended vacation.  Lottery dreams do come true.  You're all invited to her retirement party in Tahiti.

The CFP saved the best for last - The New Year's Six really stunk, but the College Football Final between Alabama and Clemson was classic.  I'm always surprised how quickly the season comes and goes, but it certainly concluded with a game you didn't want to see end.  It was a much better game than I was anticipating.  Deshaun Watson should enter next year as the Heisman frontrunner and Clemson has a very good chance to be back in the title game.  But they've gotta get past a pesky Auburn team to start the season.....ahhh, I'm just kidding, they're gonna kill Auburn by 4 TDs.  

NFL Playoff addendum - I'm sticking with Denver to beat Pittsburgh in a race to the injury cart, but I also foresee backup QB Landry Jones possibly strutting in after halftime and leading a comeback that comes up short.  He and WR Martavis Bryant have a good chemistry and there might be an upset in the Rockies.  

DraftKings winning lineup - The PGA is back in action and I jumped on the cart and made $0.75 on the following lineup:

• Padraig Harrington
• Chris Kirk
• Peter Malnati
• Graeme McDowell
• Jordan Spieth
• Jimmy Walker

The Random Triumvirate - This pic of Craig Biggio, George Foreman, and Lil Jon made the rounds this week, and it got me thinking of other trios that would make you do the double-take.  

• Don Beebe, Lennox Lewis, and J.Cole
• Eric Lindros, Charlotte Church, and Willard Scott
• Gary Sheffield, Daniel Craig, and Selena Gomez
• Toni Kukoc, Aretha Franklin, and Donald Rumsfeld
• Jeff Gordon, Flava Flav, and Bindi Irwin
• Jessica Alba, Darryl Strawberry, and Jerry "The King" Lawler
• Greg Ostertag, Peggy Marshall, and Bonecrusher
• Florence Henderson, Robert Lewandoski, and El Chapo

Got any good ones?  Submit them in the comments section.  My favorite will win two tickets to last year's UNC vs Appalachian State basketball game and a $10 gift card to Chili's.  Submissions must be made by Thursday, January 21 at midnight EST.  Make me laugh/smile and you may have yourself a winner.

UFC Fight Night - Another championship belt is on the line Sunday night on FS1 as T.J. Dillashaw faces Dominick Cruz for the bantamweight title.  For a breakdown of the fights, check this out.  The prelims start at 8pm and the main card starts at 10pm.  This is essentially a PPV card that the UFC is giving away for free.  If your New Year's Resolution was to "try out this UFC thing" this is the perfect opportunity.  This card is unlikely to disappoint.  

Parenting Storytime - At H1's 18-month check-up the doctor cited his lack of speech development and used a term that has bounced around my head ever since: verbal explosion.  In the last six months his labeling has steadily improved; he'll say things like "light", "shoe", and "jacket".  He's never suffered from a lack of understanding, he's a bright little guy, its his enunciation that's needed professional attention.  Since early December we've noticed his attempts at sentence formation and storytelling, and the improvements continue to impress us and sometimes catch us off-guard, in a good way.  Aside from his speech stuff, H1 is a remarkably loving, caring child.  I talked to lots of parents of two kids prior to H2 showing up trying to get a headstart on what to expect.  I heard all sorts of stuff that encouraged me and worried me.  Thankfully, from the very beginning he has been nurturing and compassionate towards her.  It regularly warms my heart to see him stop playing with his trains and race over to make sure she has her toy du jour.  He loves her tremendously and I really hope it stays that way.  She woke up the other morning nearly three hours after he did (5am wakeups are common around here, ugh) and within seconds he was pleading with me to put "baby, down" and she was eagerly squirming her way out of my arms to see him.  And off they went crawling side-by-side down the hallway.  He left her in the dust and instinctively transitioned to running into the bonus room.  He quickly returned, dropped down to her level, gave her a big two-armed hug and said as clear as a summer day "I'm so glad to see you".  It was heartwarming on multiple levels and my brain (and heart) had a lot to process from one fleeting moment.  I think the "verbal explosion" is upon us.