May 9, 2016

This week: VEGAS, BABY!!!!

A city so fun its written with CAPS LOCK on - I had the great pleasure to take a husband-wife only trip to Las Vegas (VEGAS!!!) a few weeks ago and it was amazingly awesome super-duper fun.  It was our first time away from either of the kids as a couple, overnight.  It was a pretty big deal and we cashed in all our chips and were gone for 6 nights.  Go big or go home....or in this case, Go big AND then go home to two crying children who were overwhelmed to finally see us again.  Maritally, it was the best decision we could've made.  We laughed more in the first 24 hours than we'd laughed in the previous three months.  I highly recommend some time away with your spouse; it can really remind you why you got together in the first place.  

Alright, enough sappy stuff.  Allow me to share my Vegas notes and then I'll finish strong with easily the biggest highlight of our trip which ended with me on a Vegas stage.....yep.

• Vegas at 7am is WAAAAY nicer than Vegas at 2pm.  We're early birds and the time change didn't help as we woke at 2:30am local and were wide awake.  Eventually we sauntered out to stroll The Strip at dawn and, boy howdy, lemme tell ya the Vegas Strip at 7am is so much more pleasant than the 2pm Strip and certainly safer than the 9pm Strip.  We moseyed down from The Mirage to Mandalay Bay and crossed paths with all the go-get 'em joggers and the assorted elderly couples wandering over to Denny's.  By the end of our week, WE became the elderly couple wandering over to Denny's because who doesn't love a Lumberjack Slam.  
• Not every buffet is created equal.  Our first night we joined some friends and colleagues for dinner at The Wynn buffet which came highly praised on all the Yelps and Trip Advisors and it was fantastic.  They had fancypants, gourmet bacon unlike any bacon I've ever eaten and I chowed down on that hog.  Those hyenas at the crab legs station didn't know what they were missing.  However, The Mirage buffet was the poor man's Golden Corral, or perhaps a going-out-of-business Ryan's.  "Everything must go!!!!....including these 3-year old mystery meat packages".  Total bummer.
• Even the grumpiest Dwarf would be happy in Vegas.  Slots, gaming, sportsbooks, shows, restaurants, and shops are the headliners but there are art galleries, animal exhibits, spas, and about 1000 other things to do in Vegas that make it damn near impossible to have a bad time....unless you're just a natural sourpuss with a cynical twist on humanity.....you know who I'm talking about. ;)
• The Bellagio Fountains are worth the airfare.  The show only lasts 5-7 mins but the majesty of the fountains dancing and spraying in a beautiful choreography is worth the trip.  Its so peacefully mesmerizing that it can be just the thing to slow your brain down in such a frenetic place.  I'm thinking of having one installed at our next house.  

And now, the big finale.  We mapped out our week months in advance and tried to find things that were "only in Vegas" type stuff.  We tried a ventriloquist comedian named Terry Fator who gained fame as winner of America's Got Talent.  I knew this only because he mentioned it approximately 6 times in his 90 minute show.  He was a bit of a letdown and a tad too wholesome for our adult interests.  Our desire to be a bit risque was satisfied at Absinthe, a Vaudeville-inspired variety show with a dash of burlesque and a heavy dose of irreverence.  Hosted by a delightfully foul-mouthed character known as The Gazillionaire and his eccentric assistant Joy, Absinthe is a throwback to early '20s circus acts strung together with zany potshots at audience members and wildly inappropriate comments from the co-hosts.  The show takes place in-the-round as its under the big top (or at least a fake Vegas big top).  And as soon as we were seated and I was on the aisle of the fourth row, I knew I was a potential target.  I mentally prepared to take my medicine as The Gazillionaire pulled no punches mocking various groups and individuals throughout the night.  Sixty minutes into the show, it happens.  

G: "Alright, this next act is gonna take a minute to get things set up, so let's make the most of it......you, Dorky White Guy come up here."  

A: (giant sigh; internal pep talk "ok, just embrace it and take your lumps.  You make a good rube" as I stand and walk towards the stage)  

G: "Damn, you look like an Amish tax collector.  Could you be more white and dorky?  Come with me, get on up here"

A: (I smile, laugh and follow his lead up to the stage and attempt to find my mark and figure out which way to face.  I, of course, guess wrong and face out to the audience as he tries to direct me.)

G: "Jesus, turn this way.....stop being weird."

He proceeds to call Handsome Black Guy up to the stage, but quickly determines that under the stage lights he's not actually black (he was handsome, just not black).  He shoos him away and chides him for being fake black and dating Super Hot Black Chick.  He finds Real Black Guy wearing a Yankees cap and Knicks jersey and calls him up onstage with me.  Then he grabs Nervous Asian Lady from the front row and brings her up and asks her to sit down on a folding chair.  NAL doesn't speak English and these instructions are lost on her.  

G: "Sit down....here....sit.....on the chair.....sit down...here on the chair.  Jesus, just sit down."

Joy: "Don't worry, we won't ask you to do their nails."

G: "No, we wouldn't do that.  You've been doing nails all day, that wouldn't be nice to ask you to do that"

G explains that we're about to engage in a racially-unifying lapdance competition and I'll be squaring off against RBG.  

G: (to RBG) "Now, he'll go first (points at me) then you'll go next and win."

G: (to me) "We'll play something you're familiar with like, I don't know, Dave Matthews or some shit and you'll do your best but then he'll go (points to RBG) and he'll win.  Alright, let's get this over with.  Dorky White Guy, you're up"

A: (the moment I heard "lapdance competition" my brain immediately focused on winning which, as many of you know, is easily in my wheelhouse.  Mind you, I'm wearing classic WASP-y clothes.  Dress slacks, plaid button-down dress shirt, brown church-goin' shoes.  I definitely look the part of Dorky White Guy/Amish Tax Collector.  They thankfully ditched the Dave Matthews and played some Ginuwine instead and I dropped my hips on NAL's chest vicinity and got to grindin' and the place exploded.  I worked her like I was Magic Mike's warm-up act.  I rodeo-whipped my hips around her legs and twerked my way to 15-min celebrity status.  E1 recounted to me later that everyone in her area was going bananas on her and she gave a shrugged shoulder smile of "I knew he was gonna win".)

G: (jumps back onstage and deadpans) "......well.....that was unexpected."

RBG went next and quickly became Sheepishly Awkward Black Guy and threw in the towel after a few seconds.  I was crowned champion and got free drinks for my lady.....E1 not NAL :)

The show ended after the next act and upon exiting I was patted on the back and congratulated by dozens of strangers and one very amorous bachelorette party.  We walked The Strip for the next hour or so and regularly heard not-so-quiet whispers of "that's the lapdance guy".  Not a bad night.