January 22, 2016

This week I'm taking a departure from the normal format and dedicating most of my word count to one topic: Being a Dad.  This post has been bouncing around my head for a month and I wanted to get some stuff out there to maybe start painting the mosaic of being a parent, specifically a father.  I recognize that I'm just one person with one story and I'd like to share it and invite others to share their story too.

Real Talk: Dad Life - I'm fortunate to be a Stay-at-home Dad (SAHD).  My wife works very hard to provide for us and does an excellent job juggling the challenges of being a working Mom in a single income household.  The kids love her and get so excited when they see her after a long day.  I've been in the role of primary caregiver for nearly three years and I've encountered copious rewards and benefits that I never imagined or anticipated when we made the decision for me to stay home with a newborn baby.  Of course, becoming a parent is such an immersive experience.  It just happens one day, regardless of how much stuff you buy at Babies R Us or books you read, one day you aren't a parent and the next day you are and you better start figuring things out pretty quick.  Its like being dropped into Mongolia from a helicopter with a toothbrush and an English-to-Cantonese-to-Mongolian translation book.  You just have to figure it out.  

My SAHD evolution has moved from bummed self-doubt in Year One to encouraged self-awareness in Year Two to enlightened self-confidence in Year Three.  I feel like I'm moving up the levels of Scientology, but without the threat of a bankrupting Ponzi scheme fleecing my life savings.  In short, I love being a SAHD and my wife is completely, unwaveringly supportive of my role in our family.  But we certainly represent the minority segment of the stay-at-home parent community and while the idea of a Dad staying home is becoming more accepted in a general sense, the day-to-day life of a SAHD is a little bit different from its Stay-at-home Mom counterpart.  Here are some of the things I've encountered once, twice, or a thousand times in the last three years:

"Mr. Mom" - I'm generally pretty irreverent and can see the humor in things that some more-uptight folks might find offensive, but this one is where I draw the line because its an insult to both me and my wife.  Its intent isn't malicious (you'll see as we go that most of the comments aren't meant to be insulting, but that's actually part of the problem....I'll explain as we go), but it hits me like a fridge being dropped on my foot.  Essentially, you're espousing an outdated gender role assumption with two simple words.  Moms are meant to be the primary caregiver and Dads are meant to be the breadwinners.  And when faced with the reversal of these roles this ignorant, juvenile nickname pops out to acknowledge the subconscious confusion, or even disapproval, of this household dynamic.  Parenting would be much better off if support and encouragement popped out of people's mouths rather than mocking disapproval.

"Dads Don't Babysit...Its called Parenting" - I don't wear message tees.  I prefer to stay nondescript and generic in the background of people's day with my assortment of plaid button-downs and cargo pants.  But I have a black t-shirt with this message on it in big bold letters and I've worn it three times in nearly 6 months and its garnered some attention.  The first day is the most notable to show the spectrum of people I encounter when I'm out with my kids (read: when I'm obviously a Dad).  The first person that said something was a peer, a fellow Dad who briefly shared a story of "making that mistake the first time my wife left me with our son".  The second was a sweet, older woman in her 70s who expressed her sincere approval and wished more Dads were like me.  Finally, a very early 20-something girl pushed my tolerance of passive, backhanded judgment to the brink.  I had my 6-month old daughter in-hand and my 2 y/o son in-tow and the diaper bag slung-shouldered.  Upon seeing me and reading my shirt she said "Dads don't babysit, but uhhhhh" and pointed very cross-faced at my kids.  I responded "I'm not babysitting, its called parenting, read the rest of the shirt".  She sheepishly backed away from the counter and the young lady who actually was helping us turned her charm up to 11 and salvaged an uncomfortable moment for everyone.  

• "Oh boy, looks like you've got your hands full"
• "Looks like somebody got stuck with the kids today"
• "Do you need some help putting her in the high chair?"
• "Oh they're so cute, did Mom get the day off?"
• "Where's Mommy today?"

And every variation of those comments and then some.  Each one of them on their own is a completely banal, harmless acknowledgement of me and my kids, but the collection of them over the course of a month is death by a thousand cuts.  It clearly suggests that the community isn't quite ready for someone like me; a perfectly capable parent of two small children who isn't phased or rattled by the challenges of rolling solo "without Mom".  I don't suspect that being a SAHD has anything to do with these comments, in fact I'd really like to hear from all the hardworking Dads out there about their experience when they go out to Chick-fil-A or Target or Lowe's as a solo parent.  I imagine that simply being a Dad invites this treatment.  I've developed a litmus test for whether I should be offended or not.  I ask myself "would they say that to a Mom in this situation?".  If they wouldn't I file it away as yet another example of how much room for improvement society needs.  For the record, I've never mouthed off to any of these comments.  I instead just shake my head, roll my eyes and move on.  

"I don't really like you in that way" - I heard that refrain countless times through adolescence, but in my late 30s, as a happily married husband of nearly 7 years and out of the dating pool for over 10, I didn't expect to encounter this new twist on an old classic.  I've never actually had a stay-at-home Mom say this to me, but the subtle, nonverbal expression pops up over and over.  One of the most profound components of being a stay-at-home parent is the isolation, particularly as a male.  I'm on the leading edge of a movement that, while embraced by the general public as progressive and positive, still limits the day-to-day interaction and support needed for a SAHD to thrive and feel accepted.  SAHMs have an established tribe that meet up at Chick-fil-A, schedule playdates at the spur of the moment, go to wine-tastings, and generally support each other with the shared experiences of primary parenting.  I've yet to find that acceptance among Dads, mainly because I don't come across a lot of guys that look like me out in the world.  Sure, on a Saturday morning at Target I may see the occasional "Dad with kids" but they're typically older kids at a different stage of the parenting journey.  But I assure you on a Tuesday morning when I'm walking through Sam's Club buying formula and killing time before school pickup I see about 10-12 Moms with young kids and zero Dads with young kids.  Being social comes natural to me, but when I'm faced with chatting up SAHMs there's a tendency to default to the old high school dynamics of being hit on and having to play the "I have a boyfriend (read: husband)" card.  As a dude, I don't have the option to honestly, genuinely engage a fellow stay-at-home parent (Mom) in a conversation and develop a playdate buddy or even just a friend to meet up with on a Tuesday morning while I kill time at Chick-fil-A (Aside: I spend far too much time at Chick-fil-A).  

A real-life example: Storytime! I was at the playground with the family (wife & kids; which already every Mom in the area should be disarmed by the presence of my wife, but nope) and E and I met a Mom we'll call "Shelby".  Shelby's husband ("Mitch") was "out for a run in the park" while she and her 18 month old played on the swings.  E and I both chatted with her and found her very charming and pleasant.  E wandered off with H1 to check out the ducks and I hung back at the swings with H2 and chatted with Shelby for about 10 mins until Mitch returned, also very nice and pleasant.  It comes time to do the semi-awkward phone number exchange and here's where the unexpectedly bizarre part happened.  Mitch's phone was in the car, so he took her phone and put in my number and then said he would text me from his phone when they got home.  Uhhhh, ok.  I'm just naive enough to have never seen this coming.  My conclusion was that he didn't want his wife texting some dude they've both met at the playground.  Paradoxically I get it, but personally I was disappointed.  And this is exactly my point, stay-at-home parents need support from their own kind and as a dude I'm subjected to the social constructs of dating more than I'm rewarded for being in the social constructs of parenting.  Btw, he never texted me; now I get turned down by women AND men, yay! :)

In conclusion, parenting is a journey and, as with any journey, resources are critical.  Having a supportive spouse, peers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. can be invaluable.  Finding those resources among peers can be daunting and sometimes disappointing, especially for SAHDs.  I completely acknowledge that I'm just one story and I don't presume to speak for anyone other than myself.  And I invite and encourage all parents to share their thoughts on their experiences so far in parenting.  We need to be encouraging and supportive of one another on this journey.  

NFL Playoffs - I guzzled down the Kansas City Chiefs Kool-Aid and Bill Belichick made me gag on it and cough it out.  Never bet against the Patriots at home, lesson learned.  Otherwise, I nailed the other Divisional Round matchups perfectly.  Cardinals won a tight, instant classic.  Panthers won (the first half) in convincing fashion.  And Denver won an ugly duckling pageant.  Now, for the conference title games.  I'd love to see Manning win another Super Bowl and walk off into the sunset, but its just not gonna happen.  Brady, Edelman, and Darth Hoodie knock Manning out of the game and Osweiler will make it interesting but Patriots win.  Arizona will keep it close but the Panthers seem destined to take this thing all the way to the end setting up a rematch of the Wardrobe Malfunction Super Bowl.